Dealing and whatnot

Here's to attempting to be positive.  I'm trying.  I am. I'm moderately succeeding.

We're still doing tests to see what's causing my enlarged heart and arrhythmia.  Had another stint overnight at Yale last week.  Almost passed out getting a drink of water in the middle of the night, then woke up at five with the cold sweats, chest pain and nausea.  Thankfully, each time I've been in the hospital there's been no sign I've had heart attacks.  BUT, I still have this screwed up heart rhythm and too big heart.  I have an appointment with a congestive heart failure specialist on Tuesday and a PET Scan on 5/12.  They're checking for sarcoidosis to see if that's what's causing all of this...or to rule it out if it's not.  I just want some answers...and a prognosis.

What makes me nervous is well...everything.  We asked the cardiologist if we overreacted coming in.  I was told no.  If I have any cardiac shit happen I need to get checked out.  Period.  My lifestyle has changed.  Can I chaperone my daughter's field trip to Six Flags?  No.  I get tired walking around Walmart, let alone a day hoofing around with teenagers.  I'm supposed to get another tattoo in a few weeks.  Need to find out if I can do that.  Anything that can cause strain on my heart, I can't do.

I just want to know WHY.  Why is my heart doing this?  What if it worsens?  I'm only forty-eight...I have plans for my future.  What do I do then?  I'm trying to take it a day at a time.  But it's hard and I'm afraid.  It sucks.

Que sera sera

So today was the follow up with the heart doctor.  Got the good news/bad news line from him.  MRI results are in...good news?  No scarring, which means there was no heart attack either time I was in the hospital.  The bad?  My enlarged heart is worse than they thought.  Healthy should be 5-5.5 cm, I'm at 7.5 cm.  Still have the arrhythmia.  My EF% is still 40. In a nutshell?  Mild heart weakness, moderate enlargement.  He wants to send me to another cardiologist in the group that specializes in cardiomyapathy...and more testing.  Another echo, another twenty-four hours on a Holter monitor...the good stuff.

I will not deny I'm am having a tough time staying positive.  This time last year I completed a 5K.  Now I'm allowed to slowly walk.  I can't irritate my heart anymore than it already is.  It could be worse...but this still stinks.  I'm so aware of my heart now...so conscience of its rhythm.  It's not a complaint so much as I just want healthy me back.  That's all.

Que sera sera, right?