Dealing and whatnot

Here's to attempting to be positive.  I'm trying.  I am. I'm moderately succeeding.

We're still doing tests to see what's causing my enlarged heart and arrhythmia.  Had another stint overnight at Yale last week.  Almost passed out getting a drink of water in the middle of the night, then woke up at five with the cold sweats, chest pain and nausea.  Thankfully, each time I've been in the hospital there's been no sign I've had heart attacks.  BUT, I still have this screwed up heart rhythm and too big heart.  I have an appointment with a congestive heart failure specialist on Tuesday and a PET Scan on 5/12.  They're checking for sarcoidosis to see if that's what's causing all of this...or to rule it out if it's not.  I just want some answers...and a prognosis.

What makes me nervous is well...everything.  We asked the cardiologist if we overreacted coming in.  I was told no.  If I have any cardiac shit happen I need to get checked out.  Period.  My lifestyle has changed.  Can I chaperone my daughter's field trip to Six Flags?  No.  I get tired walking around Walmart, let alone a day hoofing around with teenagers.  I'm supposed to get another tattoo in a few weeks.  Need to find out if I can do that.  Anything that can cause strain on my heart, I can't do.

I just want to know WHY.  Why is my heart doing this?  What if it worsens?  I'm only forty-eight...I have plans for my future.  What do I do then?  I'm trying to take it a day at a time.  But it's hard and I'm afraid.  It sucks.

Que sera sera

So today was the follow up with the heart doctor.  Got the good news/bad news line from him.  MRI results are in...good news?  No scarring, which means there was no heart attack either time I was in the hospital.  The bad?  My enlarged heart is worse than they thought.  Healthy should be 5-5.5 cm, I'm at 7.5 cm.  Still have the arrhythmia.  My EF% is still 40. In a nutshell?  Mild heart weakness, moderate enlargement.  He wants to send me to another cardiologist in the group that specializes in cardiomyapathy...and more testing.  Another echo, another twenty-four hours on a Holter monitor...the good stuff.

I will not deny I'm am having a tough time staying positive.  This time last year I completed a 5K.  Now I'm allowed to slowly walk.  I can't irritate my heart anymore than it already is.  It could be worse...but this still stinks.  I'm so aware of my heart now...so conscience of its rhythm.  It's not a complaint so much as I just want healthy me back.  That's all.

Que sera sera, right?

Waiting and wondering...

The other day I asked my friends on Facebook suggestions on good ways to relax, and got some great ideas.  Right now, I'm kinda stuck until I see my cardiologist in April.  I'm not sure what kind of exercise I'm going to be cleared to do.  I did yoga for awhile and loved it, and am seriously thinking of getting a bike.  We have great linear trails around here an it's something I like to do.

A lot of people suggested...you guessed it...writing.  So if you guys are willing to read my thoughts, writing it will be.

So it's 11:30 on Friday night.  I should be tired, but my mind won't let me rest.  All this crap with my heart is getting to me.  I'm trying to stay positive, using humor, whatever it takes to get by.  Honestly?  I'm afraid.  It's disconcerting when you can feel your heart beating and worse when it beats weird.  You over think EVERYTHING.  It sucks.  

I spent another night in the hospital this week.  I had an episode before work on Tuesday.  Chest pressure, short of breath.  Off to acute care AGAIN.  Called the ambulance...again.  Put me on O2 because my level was at 92 and gave me nitroglycerin, which got rid of all the pressure.  My paramedic Nick was sweet.  He explained what all my leads were for and what my EKG meant.  I think he knew I was upset and the distraction helped.  Yale was insanely busy.  I have never seen so many people in an ER.  They gave me more blood work and another chest x-ray.  The good news is no changes from last month.  So I stayed the night and was sent home.

Next week is my final test.  I get my thyroid scanned.  My T3 and T4 numbers are normal, but my antibodies are totally out of whack.  Hopefully the results of that and my MRI from today with give us answers so we can get a game plan going for the future.  I'm not one to wish time away...but April 7th can't get here soon enough.

The Joys of Growing Older

I swear I should have gotten the extended warranty at 45,000 miles.

A month ago I spent three days in the hospital.  I had started Adderall for ADD the week before (side note...the shit was awesome.  I had never been so focused in my life.  It worked like a dream.).  I had started having palpitations at work.  It felt like a massive anxiety attack.  I did everything I could to relax, breathed deep, tried to walk around...the pressure wouldn't go away.  When my hands went numb, my husband made me call my doctor.

Of course...come in, we're waiting.  I genuinely felt like crap.  My husband picked me up and off to acute care we went.  I was there maybe a half hour and they were like "We're calling an ambulance.  You need to go to the ER."

Awesome.

I figured it was just the Adderall.  I mean, even though I was on blood pressure meds, I was given the all clear.  I was expecting a few tests and to be sent home...just stop taking the Adderal and that's it.  Instead I get "We already have a room for you upstairs.  We're keeping you overnight for observation."

Wonderful.

Three days, one chest x-ray, one echo cardiogram and one stress test later I got to go home...with all this crap to digest.  Ventricular trigeminy (every third heartbeat is a palpitation), my heart is enlarged (max should be 5cm, I'm 6cm) and EF% is at 40 (Ejection Fraction - how much blood is pumped back into your body.  A healthy heart is between 55-60%).  And my thyroid is all screwed up...showing signs of hyperthyroidism.

So I've seen a cardiologist, will see him again in April.  Going to see an endocrinologist and getting an MRI on my heart this week .  I was really down when I heard all of this.  I'm forty-eight...I feel fine!  I finally understand how high bp is a silent killer.  If it wasn't for the Adderall this would have gone undetected.  I'm grateful this was caught early before something catastrophic happened.  And I have a great team of doctors at Yale.  I feel well taken care of.

Tough lesson learned...take care of your body.  Period.  You just don't know.

It's My Blog and I'll Cry if I Want to...

I was always told "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  That being said, this blog is going against that.  If you don't want to hear me bellyache, my blog post ends here.

I have a knee issue.  I've had it now for almost three months.  Here is the "official" description...

Pes anserine bursitis is an inflammation of the bursa located between the shinbone (tibia) and three tendons of the hamstring muscle at the inside of the knee. It occurs when the bursa becomes irritated and produces too much fluid, which causes it to swell and put pressure on the adjacent parts of the knee.

To sum it up in three simple words?  IT SUCKS BIGTIME.

There isn't much that can be done.  I had my shots, I ice it religiously and stay off it.  I haven't done squat all weekend.  And it feels...OK.  Til I pivot wrong or hyperflex it.  Or walk too much.  Then it's back to it being angry.  I have pain meds for the night time...that's about it.

Could it be worse?  Absolutely!  I could have a torn ACL or have to have my knee replaced or any other number of horrible diseases.  I get that...I do.

I've had a hysterectomy, I've got ten tattoos.  Hell, I gave birth to two big babies naturally.  But this?  This is so different from all of that.  It's chronic...it fucking hurts 24/7.  It's changing my personality.  I'm trying so hard to not let it get to me, 'cause face it, everyone has their own problems.  I'm not going to be THAT person. 

So this is my one bitch session.  If you got this far?  Thanks for listening.

Roll with it...

 

Today is Monday.  Thankfully its over.  Honestly?  It wasn't that bad.  I just wish there was a more subtle way to shut one's brain off other than tripping a circuit. Today was that kinda day.  And it's not big stuff.  It's an accumulation of little shit...like playing with emotional blocks.  How high can you build the tower before it falls?

Like I said in my status yesterday...falling into my "hole" is familiar and oddly comforting, but it's like a bad habit.  That one cigarette long after you quit, that one drink because you're stressed and can handle it.  Depression is like that.  It's subtle.  Keep saying "I'm fine." and watch how fast you aren't.

I'm out.  I can't hide behind the "I'm fines" anymore.  It's liberating.  I'm not afraid to admit when I have a bad day or two.  It was when I couldn't that a bad day would turn into a bad week...then a bad month.

Talking about your feelings isn't easy.  Sometimes there are no words to express what's banging around in your head.  It's acknowledging the feeling, telling someone you care about, "Hey, I'm having a day.  Bear with me." that helps you feel better.  Think of it as emptying a stinky pile of garbage into a dumpster.  

My inner cheerleader assures me that everything will be OK.  And if it's you having a rotten, crappy, all around bad day?  Tomorrow's a new day.  Get some sleep.  It will be OK.

Goodbye Summer...

Today is the first day of autumn.

Damn.

Has anyone noticed all the trees changing already?  I drive the back roads to work and there are shots of reds, yellows and oranges everywhere.  It's only September!

Fall is my favorite time of the year.  What's not to like?

Warm days, cool nights.  Apples and pumpkins.  Cider with carmel vodka (Try it.  Trust me.).  It's dragging out the hoodies and jeans, the Bearpaws and fleecies.  It's Saturday night firepits and friends.  It's the ending of NASCAR and baseball and the start of football.  It's crock pots and soups.  It's baking, baking and more baking. It's Halloween and costumes and candy.  And romance.  I was married Halloween night in 1997.

I'm glad it's only three months of the year.  It's counting down to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It's closing out another year.  I try to enjoy it and not think of what comes after.

WINTER.

Enjoy this while it's here.  :-)